This Is A Very Serious Mock Draft
The 2017 NFL Draft is about a week, or maybe 2 weeks away. I'm not 100% sure and definitely too lazy to research it. So we're a month out-ish and there are a little over 2 million mock drafts out there. So i've decided to make my own mock draft where complete chaos happens by dumb teams. Which, more than likely, will happen like it does each year. So here's my super serious shit show mock draft. Some people like to watch the world burn.
1. Cleveland Browns - Mitch (not Mitchell) Trubisky
Has there ever been a QB with a name more perfect for the Cleveland Browns than Mitch Trubisky? Maybe Sergeon Wynn? No, Mitch Trubisksssss is a perfect fit. I expect the Browns to completely overlook drafting a franchise player like Myles Garrett because they think he's too "thin skinned." This is going to be another train wreck for the Browns and I can't wait to watch.
2. San Fransisco 49ers - DeShaun Watson
If I were the 49ers this is exactly what I would do. Watson is the one QB that would scare me if the Texans or Jaguars drafted him. He's a winner and isn't really that comparable to players in the past outside of VY. I think he'll be better and he'll also be someone that doesn't spend 10K a week at the Cheesecake Factory.
3. Chicago Bears - Solomon Thomas
Talking about the Bears almost makes me want to fall asleep, just like Perrish Cox did against them last season. Seriously, we should have lost that game like 7 times because of him. Good riddance. Solomon Thomas is going to be a beast so good pick here by the Cubs.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars - Cam Robinson
The Jags are never going to win the AFC. They are a terrible franchise. That's why I think we all should expect them to do something dumb and reach for a tackle. Not a good tackle that can be taken in the 2nd round, but just whatever tackle is best. Love this pick for them because they deserve misery.
5. The Good Guys - Tennessee Titans - Myles Garrett
If you're not salivating then get the fuck out. Would be pretty sweet to watch those other dummies give up on a player like him and have him fall into J. Rob's lap. Will this happen? I don't know but no one else does either. Kiper, McShay, Neely. The elite draft predictors of things that might happen. Garrett is going to be a stud and even though the Titans don't need that position they'd be hard, and hard pressed not to draft him.
6. New York Jets - Jonathan Allen
He's a beast and will probably play for 15 years and haunt everyone's dreams that didn't draft him....if any other team besides the Jets was to draft him. The Jets are going to be bad for the next few years and Allen is someone I think you could build around. Unfortunately for Allen, he's about to be Joe Thomas'd and will end up in NFL purgatory for a decade (and get PAID doing it).
7. San Diego Chargers Of Los Angeles - Jamal Adams
This pick would make me mad because Adams reminds me of Brian Dawkins. He'd be a great fit for the Titans and I would love to see us take him at 5. Fuck the Chargers.
8. Carolina Panthers - Leonard Fournette
The Panthers ran the ball inside of the tackles for the majority of all carries last season. So did the Browns when they drafted Trent Richardson. I think this is probably going to end up about the same. Hopefully, the Colts will trade a 1st round pick in 2018 for him before they find out he's not good.
9. Cincinnati Bengals - Marlon Humphrey
The Bengals can never have enough cornerbacks. Pacman is not really a long-term solution for them as he still continues to fight for his freedom. This pick makes a lot of sense and the Bengals could use some youth back there. Fun fact: Al Del Greco kicked the game winner against the Bengals in the 1st game at Adelphia Coliseum.
10. Buffalo Trills - O.J. Howard
I want to go to a Bills tailgate before I die and I want someone to throw me through a plastic table. Hand to God. This pick will make a lot of Titans fans sad but the Bills seriously don't have any playmakers outside of McCoy. Watkins doesn't count because he's fucked us all over in fantasy for the last 5 years. O.J. Howard is going to be a force in the NFL.
11. New Orleans Saints - Derek Barnett
They don't have a single pass rusher on their roster. Barnett is flying a little bit under the radar but was the best player for UT 80% of the time on defense. The Saints are going to suck next year but I expect Barnett to end up in the Pro Bowl within his first 2 seasons.
12. The Shitty Cleveland Browns Again - Malik Hooker
I'm sorry for doing this to you, Malik. He's good and would be a perfect fit for the Titans. No clue how he will fair in Cleveland. If I could guess...I'd say he'll end up being not good if the Browns take him.
13. Arizona Cardinals - Christian McCaffrey
The Cardinals need a change of pace back that is not named Chris Johnson. They are trying to be fast on the outside and powerful with David Johnson. I think McCaffrey would add a new dimension to their offense, regardless of how much help they need at LB.
14. Philadelphia Eagles - Mike Williams
This pick hurts me because I want Mike Williams in two-toned blue. If you thought the Eagles solved their WR problems by trading for Dorial Green-Beckham, you'd be wrong. He's probably going to get cut before the season. Williams is the best WR in this draft. He also dominated 1 cornerback that I had drafted before him.
15. Indianapolis C**ts - Taco Charlton
The C**ts are a Dalvin Cook type player away from not being entirely shitty. They won't draft that player. Taco Charlton has a cool name and I'd bet my bottom dollar that Irsay get's into his stash o' pills before the draft gets to crackin'. I hate this team so much.
16. Baltimore Ravens - Corey Davis
So Corey Davis has all the makings of a player that will end up screwing over the Titans at some point in his career. That's why I think he'll end up being a Raven. A filthy, low-down Raven.
17. Washington Redskins - Marshon Lattimore
The Redskins are a total shit show from top to bottom. BUT THEY GOT THEIR FRANCHISE QB AND RECEIVER! So they'll go CB and take the best one out there. No clue why Lattimore has fallen in this mock. Might have forgotten he's on the board.
18. The Good Guys - Tennessee Titans - Tre'Davious White
The Titans finally got some CB help with this pick. Tre-Davious White was a standout at LSU. He seems to be a player the Tits would try and mold into a franchise CB. The other corners are gone at this point. Even though it's a deep draft at the position, I think this would be the pick if the nonsense above goes down. He's also an exceptional kick returner...which we kind of need.
19. Tampa Bay Cuckaneers - Dalvin Cook
He played at FSU. Jameis played at FSU. There you go. The Colts will blow it when comes to drafting this guy and the Tampa Bay Cucks will jump at the chance to pick him.
20. Denver Broncos - Garett Bolles
The Broncos are tired of shooting theirselves in the foot. So they draft the tackle from Utah so their 2 awful quarterbacks can try and survive this season.
21. Detroit Lions - Hasson Reddick
I didn't watch a lot of Temple games last year and you probably did not either. I've heard good things about this guy. The Lions are still licking their wounds from the meme war. They need to add some muscle in the middle and he would fit well.
22. Miami Dolphins - John Ross
Kenny Stills is fast but has a lot of problems with consistency. Just like John Ross. Ryan Tannehill is not a good QB and if they don't get him some more weapons he will die back there. Ajayi is a monster and should get the ball the most for Miami. Add another speed weapon and they become a dynamic offense.
23. New York Giants - David Njoku
The Giants are absolutely loaded at receiver. Adding a TE with Njoku's skillset could make the Giants one of the best offensive teams in the league. He's from New Jersey too! So it adds up, I think.
24. Oakland Raiders - Gareon Conley
The Raiders are one of the best offensive teams in the league. They'll probably try to fix their defense since it was abismal. Conley is the best CB left on the board.
25. Houston Texans - Patrick Mahomes
I would love this pick for the Texans because Mahomes is not going to end up being a good pro Quarterback. Please do this, Houston. Side note: I hope the bad things of this world happen to JJ Watt and only to JJ Watt.
26. Seadderall Seahawks - Jarrad Davis
The Seahawks are capable of winning it all this year. I think they'll take the best player available. Linebacker isn't their primary need, but this is the way it'll go. 100% sure.
27. Kansas City Chiefs - TJ Watt
Ah, another Watt is upon us. Let's get ready to hate him also. Also, #NeverForget.
28. Dallas Cowboys - Takk McKinley
First off, Dak Prescott is not better than Marcus Mariota. That being said, they are stacked on offense again this year. Jerry Jones is a pretty crazy guy, but it's obvious the Cowbs need help on defense. Who knows? Maybe they'll take another offensive lineman.
29. Green Bay Packers - Chidobe Awuzie
Coolest name in the draft this year besides Jake Butt. The Packers could take Quincy Wilson here but Awuzie has momentum heading into the draft after running a 4.43 at the combine.
30. Shittsburgh Shitheads - Quincy Wilson
The Steelers like drafting players from UF. Glad to see Big Ben come out of retirement after secretly retiring for 6 weeks. 🙃
31. Atlanta Falcons - Charles harris
What's worse? Losing the Super Bowl by 1 yard, or blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl to the Kremlin? Anyway, the Falcons have a pretty bad defensive line and Charles Harris can start from day one.
32. New Orleans Saints - Joe Mixon
Some team is going to do it.
The real draft will probably look nothing like the monster I created above. Either way, fuck the Colts.